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Saturday, January 26, 2013

If you only get it if you don't want it, then what good is it when you get it?




1/25

Trying to hold on.  Anna comes in with puppy. I share the  line from Psalm 36: 6....you save humans and animals alike...the way I see it, that’s Puppy...and Toto...and Tony...all our West-Park dogs...do our pets go to heaven? apparently so...we will protect her insurance and other important papers...keep what’s important to her safe...she also has her latest insider’s report on tenant abuse in the neighborhood...I’ve got to get out and check these things out..

Jeremy drops in with a keyboard on his back. Fresh from a memorial service at ABC.  An unexpected tragedy of the kind that leaves people grasping for meaning, gasping for breath....when the universe seems unhinged...So we’ve got details for the film to work out... and Teddy’s memorial and....we need Piano Dan to tune the piano...

Poet Tim and RL come by We’ve got to get a good keyboard for McAlpin if we want Piano Dan and KT and .....to perform....

Details keeping me grounded as I wonder what’s left, what’s still possible...

The coldness continues. 

I keep asking myself if you only get it when you stop wanting it, what good is getting something you no longer care about? All the  spiritual language about needing to let go in order to receive , as if somehow your wanting it to happen prevents it, or...seems to add up to another way to blame the victim...if only you had been more positive, less worried, more open...you attract what your energy is etc...only adds to the guilt and regret when it doesn’t happen...if I only had enough faith...if....Let go and let God...easier said than done... thy will, not mine....I can say it....but feel it, truly feel it? Not there yet....under all the aphorisms there is still real pain...

On my way to Chelsea to see a couple...and it’s still cold....

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