His story (human story)

I sat with Edward on the steps one afternoon. As I approached, he said, waitin’ man, just waitin’.  

OK, I said.

Waitin’ for  Charlotte...

Your friend.....

No, man, my lady. My lady. She brings me the beer....He looks at me. Look, this is her pay day, her check day. But understand, I never ask that woman for money. Not on her check day. That’s her business, ok? I don’t do that. She brings the beer. And buys her cigarettes. I tell her she’s crazy, smoke them cigarettes. With her asthma and all. Got to be crazy, smoke that shit...Never ask her for money...she brings the beer. 

Look, Edward, I say, I saw you last summer. Then I don’t see you again for a year. And you're back. So what’s up? 

Hey, I was in transitional housing...

Sounds good....

Got kicked outa two places. Left the third on my own. Fuck. Look, I fuck up, ok? Like I had this lawsuit with the city. Illegal search and seizure. Took me 18 months, understand? Figured I’d get me a little nest egg. And I won. I motherfuckin’ won....751 dollars....most money I ever had in one place in one time since I left the  service...

You were in the service?

Yeah. So I won. What am I gonna do with that nest egg? Next thing ya know, I’m uptown. And...he mimes lighting a crack pipe...two days later it’s all gone. All gone. All up in motherfuckin’ smoke....yeah, that’s the way it is...

Ever consider rehab?

He gives me that arched eye brow look. Consider? Rehab? Shit. I’ve done it all. Done jt motherfuckin all. Two youth group homes at age 14. Army. College. Been in every goddam prison in the motherfuckin state of New York. And rehab. Yeah, rehab. Know all about rehab. I could run one of then places. Know all the tricks. All the games all the right answers. Been there. Phoenix House....make you wear a big diaper. Make you wear a big sign say, I’m a big baby. How they think makin you feel bad about yourself gonna make you feel good about yourself? Even I know that much.  Ain’t gonna get out from behind that shit, feelin bad about yourself. Feel bad, ain't gonna get well. Even I get that. They closed that shit down. People at Samaritan House, they better. Yeah I know rehab....

He looks off in the distance...Went to see my moms last week. She’s been clean awhile.  I say, Moms, how you do it? She say, I look at my babies. See what you do, see how you are. Know it’s my fault. I think, maybe I get well, y’all get well. But, baby, you got to go. You my child, I love you. But you got to go. You stay around here, I ain’t gonna make it. You got to go, child. So I go....

So do you have benefits?

He blinks. Wipes his eye. The army, yeah, the army. Figured I’d get me a trade. They gave me an aptitude test. See what my aptitude is. Had me some aptitude. Said I had communications aptitude. Told me they gonna make me a communicator. Teach me all the communication shit. I like that.

So what happened?

Went AWOL. Too many times. Coulda screwed me. But didn’t. Gave me an administrative discharge. No punishment. No benefits....Charlotte....where is that woman?  I bet she uptown with that woman she roll with. She get her check. She go up town. They smoke that shit. Do what they do. She don’t know what she want.  I say, what you need that shit for? You got me, baby. God made you for a man. Ain’t I a man? She say, you don’t know, boy, you just don’t know...

He’s staring off into the distance. I killed a man behind that once. Still staring off. After the army, I was a pretty boy, back in the day. Pretty boy. One a them Harlem queens, one a those down low dudes, picks me up. Takes me to his home. Tell me he gonna take carea me. Tell me he gonna  love me  to death. Had him a nice crib. Kept me nice. Kept me high. I figure all I gotta do is look nice at him every now and then . Worked for awhile. But wasn’t enough. He wanted more. I wasn’t goin there. Told him get away from me with that shit. Then one night he comes home. Next thing I know, two cops there. He say, you gonna give me my keys back now... What am I gonna do? Two cops there...So I give him back the keys. Then what happens was wrong. They leave, can you believe that, they fuckin leave. Just plain stupid shit. No way that gonna work out. They motherfuckin leave. And I say, what you gonna go and do that for? What you think I am? And I get up in his face and he grabs a hammer off the shelf and swing it at me. And I grab it and hit him. And hit again. And again. And he go down. And I hit him again. And he dead. Love you to death, he say. And he dead. I smoked everything in that crib. Stayed high for three days. Then went to see my moms. She say, you got to turn yourself in. So I do. Got 3 to 9. Did six. Love me to death....

Prison? That all right. Maybe the best. Stayed straight. Wrote me some essays. Wrote me some good motherfuckin essays. Got communication aptitude, right?  Then I had to go...

Got married. Married me a 35 year old grandma. Figured I’d get it all at once. Children. grandchildren. Be father to them children. Ain’t no way that was gonna work out. Saw her in Brooklyn awhile back. Hear this voice out of a car. Say, Eddie, sweet Eddie, that you? I say, yeah. She pick me up, we ride around. I say, you gonna take me home? She laugh, she say, You one sweet man, Eddie, but you ain’t comin home with me. Nah, no more. And she drop me at the corner. Say, what do you do here? What they call you?

The call me Reverend. I’m the minister here.

You the Reverend. Well what you know? I got me a reverend up on St. Nicholas. Brought me to Jesus. Got me born again. Told me that shit gonna make me well. That shit don’t last. He see me these days, he say, Jesus love you, Edward. And he pray for me. That’s it......He looks off in the  distance....Love you to death....shit....

So why don’t you stay with Charlotte?

So had me  a place where she live. Over to Capitol Hall. Crib right beside her. Nice, you know? One day, I’m down in the laundry. We get in a mess over  a dryin machine. You believe that shit? Motherfuckin dryin machine. Boxer dude. Go by name a Boxer Mike. He tell me be back in a minute. Man tell me that, it mean one a two things. Either he goin for backup or goin for a weapon. What am I supposed to do? So I go upstairs. To Charlotte’s. She got this big kitchen knife. Call it her cutter. You mess with her, she get the cutter. You don’t fuck with that woman she fuck with you. So I come back down with the cutter. Motherfucker has a baseball bat. Motherfucker a boxer. What he need a baseball bat for? People gatherin around, like it some kinda show. Ain’t no motherfuckin show. Next thing, here come the police. Mike drop the bat, run off. I run upstairs with the cutter. Mike get away. They catch me on the stairs. Let me go. Nothin to arrest me for. But the Goddard people tell me I got to go. Banned.

He looks at me for the first time in awhile. I am twisted. Just fuckin twisted. I have fucked up every opportunity I ever had...and the tears begin...Where is that woman? Look man, I got to go, I got to go....

He gets up. Dusts off his jeans. Heads up Amsterdam.

Edward brings all my theological reflections to a grinding halt. One life like Edward’s mocks most theology. How can my vice-president at Interfaith Assembly spend 15 years  on crack, homeless, and get it together, get a job, a home, reconcile with his kids...and Edward, wanders this world of chaos where prison was the happiest time? I don’t want to talk about character, strength. Doesn’t get it for me. There’s something infinitely tragic. When I first met Edward, he introduced himself as Human Being. And so he is. His story, a human story. As he passes 87th Street, he vanishes from sight. 

For Edward's first appearance in these pages go to :

 http://west-parkpress.blogspot.com/search?q=human+being